#1 Blonde Jokes

A ten year-old boy is sitting in class, and the teacher asks him,
"There are five pigeons sitting on a fence. If you shoot one, how many are left?"
"None", the boy answered, "because the others would fly away at the sound of
the shot.

The teacher replies "That wasn´t the answer I was looking for, but it´s
very good. I like the way you think".
So the boy says he has one for her.

"Three women are sitting at a counter, eating ice-creamcones. The first one
is licking the cone, the
second one is sucking the cone, and the third is biting it. Which one is
married?"

Flustered, the teacher answers "The one sucking the cone."
"No," the boy says, "it is the one with the wedding-ring, but I like the
way you think."

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up.
Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away
with another woman.

Plus she couldn´t find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so
she put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted. A good looking,single guy who won´t beat me, won´t leave me,
and is good in bed.

About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man
with no arms and legs on her front porch.
"I´m here about you ad," he said
"You must be mistaken," she said.
"Let me explain, he replies.
"I can´t beat you, I don´t have any arms.And I can´t run away, because
I don´t have any legs."
But, she asks, "how do I know you´re good in bed?
"I rang the doorbell, didn´t I?"

One day a horny guy got tired of jacking off all the time so he started thinking, "Hmm.. I got to have a woman." He looks all over his house for money, but all he finds is two bucks. So he goes to the local whore house and says to a lady at a desk, "I need a woman", and the lady responded with, "How much money do you have?" He threw down the two dollars and she laughed at him and said, "You can't buy sex with a woman for two dollars!" The guy felt horrible and almost started to cry, but a woman at another desk says, "Wait, for two dollars, I will let you fuck this chicken here!" The guy immediately says, "No way, I ain't fucking no chicken!" and the runs back home.

When he gets home, all he can think about is that chicken. He started to want the chicken more than a woman. So the next day he goes back to the whore house, drops the money on the desk and says, "Give me the chicken." So the lady gives him the chicken and tells him to go into the first room down the hall and to be back in an hour. So he goes into the room with a giant window on one side and starts fucking the chicken. He fucks the chicken fifteen times and he does it so hard that he almost kills the chicken. He brings the nearly dead chicken back to the woman at he desk and leaves.

When he gets home, all he can think about is how great that chicken was, and how badly he wanted to fuck another chicken, so he borrows $5 from a friend and goes back to the whore house and says, "Give me the chicken, I need another chicken", and the lady says, "You almost killed my other chicken, I won't let you harm another one." So he pleads, "Can't you give me something like a cat or a goat or something?" The lady says, "Hmm.. I guess I could let you watch two women finger each other."

The guy stops and thinks about and decides that wouldn't be to bad and he gives her the money. She tells him to goto the second door down the hall next to the room he was in yesterday. He goes to the room and looks at many rows of chairs in front of a giant window looking into a little room. He takes his chair along with several other guys. The lights dim and two completely nude girls walk into the little room and start fingering each other. The guy says to the person sitting next to him, "Man this is great, huh." And the person responds with, "Sure is. You should have been here yesterday when a guy fucked a chicken."

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the
parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He
was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he
arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric
distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence,
and halfway through the canapes the young man realised he
couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny
fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog,
lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and
I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

Sherlock\'s Observations

"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as he passed three women eating bananas on a park bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana by holding it in one hand and using the fingers of the other hand to properly break the fruit into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head toward it with the other."

THE VOODOO PENIS

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another
man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the
trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."
"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box,
carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay
an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal, It
looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis
miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole.The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a
crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said
"Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to
the box and lay there quiescent once more

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't
for sale, but finally agreed to rent it for the duration of the trip
for $738 in cash and an imitation Rolex.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that
to use it, all she had to do was remove her clothing, get in position, and
say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she
remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box, lay back and
said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!"

The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely
incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three
mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had
enough.

She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She
tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten
to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with
every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her
swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled
her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink,
officer.

You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch
And it won't stop screwing me!"
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant
voice replied.

"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass!"

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